Skip to main content

Unqualified

Admittedly, I am running on fumes.  We spent a week at VBS and this past Wednesday, Lyndon and I trekked off for kids camp with eleven kids from our church.  Exhausted is a word that only begins to describe me at the moment.  And in these moments, I doubt. I doubt the vision God has given me for this ministry.  I doubt whether I am doing enough to be a good wife and mother.  I doubt if I am moving forward in my ministry while I see others around me sprinting ahead.  I doubt if I am giving enough time to my family.  I just doubt. Have you been there?  It's a tough place.  Just when God gives you a moment to celebrate, the enemy creeps in and steals the joy and excitement that God has given you.  And you doubt.

For what it's worth, I can take the attack at face value.  Not because I'm super spiritual, but because I've been fighting the same enemy my whole life.  I see his tactics for what they are.  His only desire is to kill, steal, and destroy.  When we are moving and working in the will of God, the attacks will most assuredly come.  Still, I am human, and while I see the attacks for what they are, I also cave into a place deep inside where I entertain the doubts.  Instead of hiding in the shelter of the Most High, I hide in my insecurity, in self-condemnation, and in doubt.  

This routine has become less frequent over the years, and my "Ecclesiastes Episodes" (everything is meaningless) don't occur as often as they used to.  But right now my flesh is weak.  I'm tired.  I've given of myself as much as I can. I've had disappointing news and wearisome conversations.  My pride has taken a hit, and I feel insignificant.  So in this moment, I feel completely unqualified for ministry.  But that's a good thing.

You see, friend, God does His best work in me when I'm at the end of me.  When I stop trying to make it work and simply say, "Take over."  I dig into His word for comfort and to remind myself who I am in Christ.  I go into battle mode and put on the armor of God as I wait for Him to fight the battles for me.  I immerse myself in worship music, preaching, and anything that will encourage my faith.  And I talk to the people I trust about the details of my struggle. The Bible tells us to seek Godly counsel in times of difficulty.  And above all, we should seek God.  He wants us to come to Him with our anxieties and hardships. So I read what He says to me in His word.  And the reminder is simple:

So let's not get tired of doing good.  At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up.  (Galatians 6:9)

As I inch forward, even if I have to crawl, I will repeat these words to myself.  The harvest is coming.  I can't stop now.  The enemy cannot take my blessing because the Holy Spirit living in me gives me the strength I need to face every battle.  I'm completely unqualified for ministry, but God knows what He's doing.  I'll obey and won't give up.

© Jill Cook and Unbroken & Undone Ministries. All rights reserved.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Feelings and Faith

Vulnerable moment: it’s been a crazy week. If I’m being honest, the last six months or more have been wrought with uncertainty and so many questions within myself about my purpose.  I’ve been in a season of transition in our family with adapting to having an independent adult child and an independent teenage son-both of whom are thriving. So my purpose as a mom has shifted into steadfast support and guidance from a distance rather than rushing to the rescue, which I know is where we should be with them. This shift has adjusted our marriage. Lyndon and I are both learning how to navigate this new territory, and I’m so grateful we have each other.  My Daddy died suddenly last year, and I am still grieving the unexpected loss and what could have been. Grief is a strange journey and differs for everyone. What I know is Christ gives me the most profound peace when I feel my turbulent heart trying to sway me. But it certainly is a sadness that is layered. Because of these major life...
Post a Comment
Read more

He’s Already Heard My Prayer

This is one of the most difficult pieces to write. My dad, Steve, passed away this morning unexpectedly. He was the “Music Man” in my world who made life a song.  Daddy was responsible for putting me on the stage. At two years old, he stood me on the altar at church so everyone could watch me sing “Victory in Jesus.”   At twelve, he was teaching me how to set up equipment and mix sound. As a teenager, we wrote songs together. His love of music is so deeply ingrained in me that I feel a piece of that is somehow missing now. Things were not always great between me and Daddy. In fact, we went for a long time without having contact with one another. I’m so grateful that God restored our relationship in his final years. Neither one of us were perfect in our relationship, but I always loved him deeply. So today, I’m heartbroken. Memories are flooding my mind, and there are so many things I still wanted us to share. I know the coming days will be filled with waves of grief and the st...
Post a Comment
Read more

Five Favorite Things

  With Valentine's Day coming up, I've been thinking about the "stuff" that I really like. Flowers are great, and jewelry is nice. But if you want a friend gift or something a little more unique, here are a few ideas. Perhaps this post will help you shop for the perfect gift that will become a "favorite thing." For the Music Lover If you are purchasing for a musician or vocalist, you have a ton of options including a guitar pick necklace or keyring to tickets for a concert. Even vintage gifts like records have made a strong comeback in the music community. Things to consider when purchasing for your musical genius: what is their favorite genre? Who is their favorite artist? Before buying that album, make sure they don't already have it. For the Teacher I can tell you most assuredly what many teachers DON'T need: another mug. Even though this seems like a simple, cute gift, as a teacher, I have difficulty parting with any gift from students. I have ...
Post a Comment
Read more