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Unqualified

Admittedly, I am running on fumes.  We spent a week at VBS and this past Wednesday, Lyndon and I trekked off for kids camp with eleven kids from our church.  Exhausted is a word that only begins to describe me at the moment.  And in these moments, I doubt. I doubt the vision God has given me for this ministry.  I doubt whether I am doing enough to be a good wife and mother.  I doubt if I am moving forward in my ministry while I see others around me sprinting ahead.  I doubt if I am giving enough time to my family.  I just doubt. Have you been there?  It's a tough place.  Just when God gives you a moment to celebrate, the enemy creeps in and steals the joy and excitement that God has given you.  And you doubt.

For what it's worth, I can take the attack at face value.  Not because I'm super spiritual, but because I've been fighting the same enemy my whole life.  I see his tactics for what they are.  His only desire is to kill, steal, and destroy.  When we are moving and working in the will of God, the attacks will most assuredly come.  Still, I am human, and while I see the attacks for what they are, I also cave into a place deep inside where I entertain the doubts.  Instead of hiding in the shelter of the Most High, I hide in my insecurity, in self-condemnation, and in doubt.  

This routine has become less frequent over the years, and my "Ecclesiastes Episodes" (everything is meaningless) don't occur as often as they used to.  But right now my flesh is weak.  I'm tired.  I've given of myself as much as I can. I've had disappointing news and wearisome conversations.  My pride has taken a hit, and I feel insignificant.  So in this moment, I feel completely unqualified for ministry.  But that's a good thing.

You see, friend, God does His best work in me when I'm at the end of me.  When I stop trying to make it work and simply say, "Take over."  I dig into His word for comfort and to remind myself who I am in Christ.  I go into battle mode and put on the armor of God as I wait for Him to fight the battles for me.  I immerse myself in worship music, preaching, and anything that will encourage my faith.  And I talk to the people I trust about the details of my struggle. The Bible tells us to seek Godly counsel in times of difficulty.  And above all, we should seek God.  He wants us to come to Him with our anxieties and hardships. So I read what He says to me in His word.  And the reminder is simple:

So let's not get tired of doing good.  At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up.  (Galatians 6:9)

As I inch forward, even if I have to crawl, I will repeat these words to myself.  The harvest is coming.  I can't stop now.  The enemy cannot take my blessing because the Holy Spirit living in me gives me the strength I need to face every battle.  I'm completely unqualified for ministry, but God knows what He's doing.  I'll obey and won't give up.

© Jill Cook and Unbroken & Undone Ministries. All rights reserved.

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