It was only a week ago that I was crying with my mom and sister about not understanding why it seems like some people are able to move so easily into their calling while, for me, it has felt like my years of ministry and serving have been more of a slow crawl and constant waiting for doors to open. My sister made a remark about how hard it must have been for Abraham and Sarah to wait in their promise. I was reminded that when they tried to do things their own way, Ishmael was the result.
This same sweet sister of mine has been a foster mom now for nine months. We have loved every little that has come into our lives, and it has transformed my understanding of the heart of God for us. At the end of the day, though, my sister and her husband want to adopt a child.
We were very hopeful and optimistic that their most recent placement would get to stay with us for good. But on Wednesday, it was decided that this precious little one would be placed with siblings. In our hearts, we know this is what is best for the children. It’s still a difficult pain to endure.
I found myself becoming angry with God. Once again, it seemed to me that others were navigating the process of fostering to adopt so easily, while my sister and her husband have already loved and passed on two precious littles. However, I found myself uttering to her the same sentiment that she had used to comfort me: We don’t want an Ishmael while we wait for our Isaac-the promised child that will come.
After considering all she and I have been through-I know my frustration pales in comparison to hers-I took up my journal. I spent the latter part of the week letting God know how I felt. I wrote His responses to me. I even tried to understand why it seemed our family is destined to suffer and struggle through life while never reaching goals or experiencing the same blessings that seem to happen so easily for others. This continued to go back and forth until yesterday.
My precious friend, “Aunt Angie,” sent me a new song by Brandon Lake called “Praise You Anywhere.” Boy, was this timely! As I was listening to the song God reminded me of some things:
-I’m not in jail for living out my faith. Or in a lions’ den. Or a fiery furnace.
-Our family has experienced restoration on so many levels.
-My Grandmother was healed of cancer… twice.
-My children are healthy and safe.
-I have a strong marriage.
The list goes further. Let’s just say I had to eat some humble pie. My self-pity was blinding me to what matters most which is the Kingdom impact that I have on my world every day.
I will praise the Lord as long as I live. I will sing praises to my God with my dying breath. (Psalms 146:2 NLT)
Whether Unbroken and Undone ever becomes a full-time ministry and I am able to work in that realm exclusively makes no difference if I’m only driving myself to reach that goal. And ultimately, that goal-that Ishmael- will fail miserably because I’m forcing the expected or desired outcome. If that book comes together, thank you, Jesus. If not, I’ll praise Him anyway.
When my sister and her husband finally receive the promise of a child, we will be thrilled. In the meantime, I praise God for the opportunity to love little ones that have faced unthinkable situations and pray for them even after we have said goodbye.
I’ll praise Him when things are good. I’ll praise Him when they aren’t. Not matter what, I’ll praise anyway.
© Jill Cook and Unbroken & Undone Ministries. All rights reserved.
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